A Diaconal Heart: One Sister’s Lifelong Longing

By Sister Kathryn A. Benham, IHM

I am the oldest daughter in my family, followed by five younger sisters. My brother spent only three weeks on this side of heaven and intercedes for our family from his place in the communion of saints. Because our dad couldn’t walk until he was twelve years old, he lived with many physical disabilities throughout his life.

I was strong and willing, so my dad and I worked on many projects together. He raised all six of his daughters to be loving, strong, and independent women. In his mind, women could dream of being anything they wanted to be. Those early experiences deeply formed me as a child and as a young woman. Yet, I learned very quickly that those same ideas were not shared in the Church.

Both of my parents were daily Mass-goers and I went with them. I can still remember sitting in the pew as a young girl, feeling a quiet jealousy toward the altar boys who were up front—near the altar, closer than I was ever allowed to be. Some of those boys were always in trouble in class, and I often wondered: Why could they be up there, and I couldn’t?

I can still remember the moment I first received the Eucharist in my hand; I truly thought I was in heaven. I have longed for this moment in the Church my whole life: we are finally discussing and widely discerning the possibility of women deacons.

In my life as a consecrated religious, I have been an elementary school teacher, a director of Religious Education, and a leader in various ministries. I have prepared countless children and adults for the sacraments. I have led Communion services — even on Ascension Thursday when the priest didn’t arrive. I have ministered to the sick in hospitals and in their homes, and I have led the Final Committal prayers at the graveside for grieving families. I have given retreats, and I am a trained spiritual director. In every practical sense I have a servant’s heart–a diaconal heart.

Along the way, I have heard women preach, and I always say to myself, “Who says women can’t preach?” Sadly, I have seen the gifts of women left underutilized or entirely disregarded because of jealousy, clericalism, or whatever obstacles could be placed in their path.

Because of those realities, I feel so profoundly encouraged by the two Phoebe Forums for Religious Sisters that I helped organize and lead with nine others from different congregations and walks of life. Some 150 Sisters participated and this gives me great hope. I rejoice that Pope Leo continues to listen and that the groundbreaking text of Paragraph 60 emerged from the Synod as official magisterial teaching, explicitly affirming that the question of women’s access to diaconal ministry remains open and that this discernment must continue.

I don’t know if I will live to see the first women deacons ordained, but I am absolutely thrilled to be a part of this historic conversation. It is a fundamental truth that no one can stop the work of the Holy Spirit. I take great courage from the biblical wisdom of Gamaliel: 

“So now I tell you: have nothing to do with these men and let them go. For if this endeavor or this activity is of human origin, it will destroy itself. But if it is from God, you will not be able to destroy them; you may even find yourselves fighting against God..” (Acts 5:38-39)

I hope everyone participates in the listening sessions scheduled by Discerning Deacons in the coming weeks. Hope does not disappoint and neither does the Holy Spirit!